and to all of you reading this who are not my ex boyfriend, I wanted to clear the air and get something straight with you.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve done some ex bashing here. I’ve shared a lot of things that aren’t shared except in trusted, intimate conversations between girlfriends, usually over a cocktail.

And I wanted you to know I don’t actually hate any of my ex boyfriends.

I’m not telling you this because I feel guilty for ex bashing or the many sh*tty things I’ve done in the past – even the mean, spiteful things I should be ashamed of.  I know I’m not perfect. Far from it. And I suppose it probably says something about me, more than I’d like it to, that I find satisfaction in making a mess of things – my relationships and myself – just to find myself back in the place where I started.

But that’s not why I’m writing now.

I’m telling you all this because I believe that when you love someone, they should know it. Even if you don’t love them in a romantic way anymore.

I’m telling you this because over the past year I have seen many, many hateful things, and I’m hoping that by making a little love in my tiny corner of the world, it will spread the Mother Earth, Hippie-Love I love so much.

So, if it were socially acceptable, and if didn’t make anyone ever wonder what would have happened if it would have worked out, here’s what I’d say to each of my ex boyfriends if I had the chance:

Hey,

I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about you. Not in a let’s get back together kinda way, but in a you used to be my best friend kinda way and I kinda miss that.

I don’t want to go down memory lane and argue about who said what, or who hurt whom. Those roads never go anywhere.

I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been up to, how your job’s been and how school is going. I’m so proud of you for finishing school, working towards your dreams, not giving up, never losing sight of your path and all of the beautiful plans you have for your life. As much as my journey was an inspiration to you, your dreams have been a constant encouragement to me.

I’ve been in New York City for a year, almost to the date. We talked about me moving to New York a lot. It was a sore spot for us; it made us fight a lot. And whether you said it or not, you always knew New York was on my heart and that I’d move here one day. So many years I talked about, dreamed of moving here. It was only a matter of time. And if I moved to New York, you knew that meant I’d leave you.

I remember telling you, “I don’t care what I have to do or who I hurt, I’m moving to New York.”

I’m here now. It’s been almost 10 years trying to get here. And I’ve hurt a lot of people.

I’ve never regretted a thing in my life, but I’m not sure it’s been worth it. Moving here.

I’m not writing you to tell you I wish I’d never fought with you over moving to New York or whether you were coming with me or not.

I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for pushing me to get here, not just to New York, but to this very spot I find myself standing now. You taught me to run up hills, to jump off cliffs and climb bridges. You taught me to dance in parking lots just for fun. You taught me how to stand, even when I wanted to run. You taught me I don’t have to be afraid that you won’t ever call me back,  that my life won’t fall apart if you don’t love me the way I love you and that I don’t have to be afraid of getting my heart broken. You taught me not to be afraid when the crying won’t stop or when the night gets so black. You taught me that I don’t have to choose the darkness, but I when I do that’s okay, too. You taught me that I can be a b*tch sometimes and that hissy fits are not cute. Even when I’m hungry. Or can’t stand those stupid ambulances that chase each other, one after the other, down Park Avenue. You taught me that running away from you is not self-preservation, but self-destruction. But mostly, you taught me, that despite all of those things, I can’t be afraid of myself.

I wanted to say thank you and I love you.

You are an amazing man and I’m so blessed to have had you in my life, if only for a short time. And even if we never speak again, or only talk every once in a while, you will always be on my heart and I will always be wishing you well, wishing you your heart’s desires and wishing you happiness.

All of my best (because you’ve already seen my worst : ),

Bethany

P.S. I wrote this to you a long time ago, but was afraid of sending it because it might mess things up with my current boyfriend. That he’d see this as a breakup letter to him. I was waiting until things were a little clearer with him. But I guess I’ve learned that relationships are about as clear as mud. I hope all is well with you and your current girlfriend.